yang ketujuh puluh enam

30 Ramadan

It is 4.17pm which means there are only a few hours left before we leave this month of barakah. I never expected this month to turn out the way it did. This is the first Ramadan in years that I have truly surrounded myself with family for the bulk of the month. And from that, I have learnt to be a lot more patient than I usually am because hey, they are the last people I should be flaring up to.

The first 2 weeks of Ramadan was spent with guests in my house since my grandparents' home was undergoing renovations. To be frank, I was surrounded by family due to circumstances and not wholly by choice. I realised how shit I was in caring for the elderly and was completely stunned for the first few days that my grandparents were over. It sucks when you really want to help but you just simply don't know how to. There is always something new to learn, I guess. 

I started off Ramadan pretty ambitiously. I wanted to pray taraweeh everyday (when possible that is cos you know...red sea), I wanted to read the Quran and its translation more often and just learn as much as I can in this special month. Looking back, I did not accomplish all of my goals and I have yet to attain istiqamah in my ibadah. Yet, I am pretty proud of myself. This is the first Ramadan in years when I was able to read beyond the first juz of the Quran and I have only missed taraweeh prayers twice because I was truly very tired. I did most of my taraweeh prayers at home and although I lose the benefits that comes with praying in a congregation, it did help me to ensure that at least I didn't miss it entirely. 

I am posting this online as a way of keeping myself and my goals accountable to anyone who is reading this.

Spending half of Ramadan on my period felt horrible because I kept losing momentum. But that was until I read a post on instagram regarding periods and ibadah, and it really made me feel His love for his servants. He knows us better than we know ourselves thus granting us He is always granting us His mercy, even when I feel completely undeserving of it. 

I am not sure how much I have changed during this month, and if I have truly changed for the better. But I sure do not want this month to end. Till we meet again Ramadan, and may He accepts all of our deeds and forgives our mistakes.

Eid Mubarak everyone.