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The last time I posted on here, it was 2016. 

Today is the first day of 2018, and it already started with a painful reminder that life is temporary. I just ended 2017 with a warm heart, thinking about the new relationships forged amongst families. 5 of my friends started a new chapter of their lives last year, and I could not be happier for them. But with every start, there shall surely be an end. 

Thank you for being such a blessing to the team. You have always brightened up meetings with your ideas, jokes and enthusiasm. All you had to do was be yourself, and that was enough for you to be such a gem to all of us. You will be kept in our prayers. May He place you amongst those He favours. 

Al-fatiha to Allahyarham Husaini. 

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30 Ramadan

It is 4.17pm which means there are only a few hours left before we leave this month of barakah. I never expected this month to turn out the way it did. This is the first Ramadan in years that I have truly surrounded myself with family for the bulk of the month. And from that, I have learnt to be a lot more patient than I usually am because hey, they are the last people I should be flaring up to.

The first 2 weeks of Ramadan was spent with guests in my house since my grandparents' home was undergoing renovations. To be frank, I was surrounded by family due to circumstances and not wholly by choice. I realised how shit I was in caring for the elderly and was completely stunned for the first few days that my grandparents were over. It sucks when you really want to help but you just simply don't know how to. There is always something new to learn, I guess. 

I started off Ramadan pretty ambitiously. I wanted to pray taraweeh everyday (when possible that is cos you know...red sea), I wanted to read the Quran and its translation more often and just learn as much as I can in this special month. Looking back, I did not accomplish all of my goals and I have yet to attain istiqamah in my ibadah. Yet, I am pretty proud of myself. This is the first Ramadan in years when I was able to read beyond the first juz of the Quran and I have only missed taraweeh prayers twice because I was truly very tired. I did most of my taraweeh prayers at home and although I lose the benefits that comes with praying in a congregation, it did help me to ensure that at least I didn't miss it entirely. 

I am posting this online as a way of keeping myself and my goals accountable to anyone who is reading this.

Spending half of Ramadan on my period felt horrible because I kept losing momentum. But that was until I read a post on instagram regarding periods and ibadah, and it really made me feel His love for his servants. He knows us better than we know ourselves thus granting us He is always granting us His mercy, even when I feel completely undeserving of it. 

I am not sure how much I have changed during this month, and if I have truly changed for the better. But I sure do not want this month to end. Till we meet again Ramadan, and may He accepts all of our deeds and forgives our mistakes.

Eid Mubarak everyone.

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MasyaAllah, it's 1 Ramadan already.

My 5 month internship finally came to an end. Until now, I still thank Allah for taking away the opportunity to intern with MOE and instead granted me the chance to join the Youths For Autism program at Pathlight. The opportunity was so enriching and insightful. Alhamdulillah for guiding me and for allowing me to guide others as well. You are truly the best of planners.

Ramadan is a month of new beginnings. I remember looking forward to Ramadan back in December 2015 and thinking "Wow, first ever Ramadan without school or work. I can fully concentrate on my ibadah!" Funny thing was, the closer I got to Ramadan, the more afraid I was of it. This is the first time I have no excuse not to step up my game. Literally nothing else is draining my energy. I started worrying about how good of a Muslim I would be in Ramadan in terms of both my akhlak and ibadah. Will I be able to put my best foot forward at all times? 

Going for the expedition with madrasah right before Ramadan really helped me prep myself spiritually and mentally for this special month. The many activities that we did may all seem like normal camp activities done in secular camps. However, I came to realise that there is always a nilai and hikmah to gain from each activity regardless of how easy or difficult they are. To be surrounded by Allah's creations and appreciating them together with other brothers and sisters made the whole experience a lot sweeter. Favourite part had to be waking up for Subuh, hearing the azan merely metres away from me and praying as a jemaah. It was refreshing to be up that early with the brothers and sisters and just worshipping Him together. Alhamdulillah, this expedition made me more ready to embrace Ramadan as best as I can.

Speaking of new beginnings, I remember donning the hijab in Ramadan of 2010. For a long while since I hit puberty, I felt naked and wrong leaving the house with nothing covering my hair. Just trying to don the hijab took so much strength to not only convince myself that I could do it, but also my mother who was not so keen on me donning the hijab that early. She felt that I might want to take it off in the future, and told me not to main-main with such things. She was right. There has been numerous times when I feel like leaving the house free-haired. It is a lot simpler to put on a t-shirt and jeans to leave the house anyway. Deep down however, I knew I made the right choice. By donning the hijab that early in my life, I have set expectations on myself as well as allowed others to set expectations on me as a Muslim. The pressure has allowed me to stay on this path (mostly) and even when I do wander off, for I am human after all, to not wander too far away from the path. It is a constant reminder of who I am supposed to strive to be: a Muslim. Not only must I not forget my ibadah, but I have to take note of my adaab and akhlak as well.

This Ramadan, my goal is istiqamah. I just want to create discipline and consistency in terms of my ibadah. Baby steps comprising of sunnah prayers, only 5 pages of the Quran each solat and zikr whenever I can. In sha Allah I will be able to create a routine that I am able to still follow after Ramadan.

To anyone else thinking of trying something new this month, I only have one advice: do it. Even if it's just donning the hijab for a day, going for terawih for the first time or even fasting and praying fard prayers for the first time; just do it. It takes 21 days to form a habit making this holy month the perfect month to start forming one. Remember:

Allah swt says: "Take one step towards me, I will take ten steps towards you. Walk towards me, I will run towards you."

(Hadith Qudsi)

May He guide us and strengthen us in this month full of baraakah, and may He increase our imaan and taqwa so that we will all grow closer to him in sha Allah. Ameen.

Jazakallah khair and Ramadan Kareem.

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31 March 2016.

It is my last day of being an 18 year old and by the time I finish this post, I won't be anymore. The 18th year of my life has truly been a point of reflection. It was the year I felt so down and worthless; like I didn't mean anything to anyone. It was also the year I learnt the value of friendship. Some friends only stick around out of convenience, while others are there forever regardless of the situation I am in. Alhamdulillah for showing me Your love through the kind people You have allowed me to meet, and who continue to care for me even at my lowest.

If there was only one word I could choose to describe how I am feeling right now, it would be thankful. No doubt life has been pretty shit to me at times, I needed those experiences to really venture out of my comfort zone and to finally (start) growing up. The next year would be a year full of transitions, new experiences, new company. With His help, I'll pull through.

Happy 19th.

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I feel so restless staying at home. The only other young people in the house have moved out, so I'm left with my parents. I love them really but there's just something about coming home after a realllyyyy long day of work to two middle-aged parents that are adjusting to being almost elderly that ticks me off. Alhamdulillah my parents are alive but Allah please give me the strength to continue caring for them even when they're older and have elderly problems that I cannot seem to comprehend.

Came home today feeling absolutely shit since I left work at 8.30 and only had 4 hours of sleep the previous night. Dad wanted me to help him with his work. I tried to teach him how to use Google Drive to make both our jobs easier since he'll probably need my help transferring documents a lot more frequently from now but he refused to even let me open Drive and show how it works to him. I don't mind helping my dad; no, I genuinely want to help my dad especially when it comes to work but I am not exactly having the emptiest schedule right now so I really want to try and make things easier for the both of us. This was followed by him telling me how I am "just an intern" and that I "have nothing to prove to them".

Yes, I am an intern. I do unpaid OT everyday willingly. There are no material justifications for the amount of effort and time I put into my work and rushing deadlines. But, and this is a huge but, I am in love with my job. I am in love with my school. I am in love with the students and the teachers. I have never been happier contributing my time and energy anywhere else before. All I want is for my dad to see that I am happy doing whatever I am doing and that this is where my passion lies. All I want is his support as I go through this journey of discovering myself and discovering my limits in the working world. All I want is for him to understand that I will come home dead tired (from spending a whole day doing something I love) and respect my alone time.

Even if I did not love my job, I am a firm believer in always giving the best quality of work possible and to make full use of wherever I am in that point in time. A job is not merely to earn rezeki yang halal, but also an amanah (responsibility). Someone has placed their trust in me to finish certain tasks and regardless of how shit I am being treated, the tasks have to be executed to the best of my abilities. Submitting substandard work only makes me feel like I have failed myself, and that I have failed to jalankan my amanah. I am being taken seriously at work so why can't I just be taken seriously at home too?

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So much dust on this blog. I feel that it is time I start blogging again, at least for my sake. There has been too much on my mind lately but I do not have the luxury of time to sit and talk for hours under the stars to someone or to simply sit down and journal my days. Work has been piling up and the fatigue is really starting to kick in. The coming few weeks will indeed be a challenge for all of us.

Ever since the week of release of results, I have been seriously deliberating over the future; not just mine but that of my loved ones as well. Siblings have moved out, the guys are in/heading to NS and the girls have their own timetables especially since many of us have started work. I sincerely thought that I would not do well enough to go to a local uni and thus should continue working full-time before taking a part-time degree in 2 years.

Receiving my results removed some weight of my shoulders, but the future somehow still feels murky as I was not as certain of my plans as I was prior to results. In a way, the work full-time/study part-time route was safe and comfortable which is why I did not mind it at all. Undoubtedly and alhamdulillah, He has decided to open more doors for me academically thus I do believe that I should further my studies for He has plans for me in higher education.

The pressure however is starting to make me restless; in some sense claustrophobic. Everyone around me is starting to ask what is my next step. I can only tell them what I want but at the back of my head, I know that I am still not entirely sure. Somehow having more options has put me in quite a bit of a dilemma, but as Amirah has said, it is a happy dilemma; one that I am not ready to have. I really am passionate about teaching and being a teacher has been a dream job of mine ever since I was a kid. It's just that going down this route makes it seem as if I am simply following my brother's footsteps.

I was the one who wanted to be a teacher first. He started out taking the teaching route because he had to (since back then teaching could be considered a back-up option) but alhamdulillah, he sincerely loves teaching now. I feel that I am living in my brother's shadow. As much as I appreciate him being a role model for me, I feel that it is time I craft my own identity. The problem though is that who I want to be sounds alarmingly like who he is now.

Furthermore, so many are questioning on my decision to be a teacher especially since I have already been offered a place in FASS, NUS.

"Are you sure you want to teach?"

"Get a general degree first so you won't be stuck."

I know what I want. I want to teach. I believe in the power of the next generation. The world seems pretty shit right now. It is up to us to nurture a new generation of caring, loving and responsible citizens. The perception of many towards choosing teaching as a career choice is terrible and I honestly do not understand why. It is a noble profession and for the most part, pretty selfless as well if the intention of teachers are true. Who else do you expect to teach your children if not your own peers/relatives who have chosen to embark on this path?

Putting higher education dilemmas aside, I am pretty lost in the emotional department as well. Working in this school has forced me to mature a lot faster than I would have liked. Balancing out my social life has been bad. I stay in school willingly to finish work or just hang out with the other interns. Setting aside time for friends outside of work has been especially difficult simply because I am so drained by the time I leave work everyday. It is just so much easier to continue spending time with people from work since we are all going through the same thing. I start to forget that there is life outside of work.

For now, this does not seem to be a big deal since I do not have commitments yet (no boyfriend no kids) but I fear this is who I will be for the rest of my life. I have just come to the terms with the fact that I might be a workaholic (and that I like it). At the same time, I know all I want in life is a family to come home to everyday.

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I have been discussing about my future a lot more these few days, especially since the release of results is drawing much nearer and I am currently working my first job as a Teacher Aide. Hell, the future is pretty freaking scary and to think about commitments and finances really stress me out. The struggle between passion and practicality becomes much more real at this juncture of my life because I truly cannot afford to study for fun. The fact that certain courses aren't available in Singapore also makes deciding a lot worse.

Reflecting on my work habits the past few years since Cedar, I was telling my mum that I think I am a workaholic. She replied with an "Of course" before continuing with her observation that my entire family are quite the workaholics, especially my dad, brother and me. As much as I don't want to admit it, the similarities between us are pretty uncanny; both physically and behaviourally. I really hope this will work to my advantage especially in the workplace and not take too much of a toll on me. As much as I want to advance in the career path that I have chosen, my ultimate dream is still to be a great mother to my (in sha Allah) kids and a mithali wife to my (in sha Allah) husband. Okay la I sound pretty pretentious and really hopeful at this moment but hey it's my dream.

The next few months will truly be one hell of a ride and I pray that He grants me the strength and patience to pull through this, as well as the guidance on how I should embark on my future.